It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
