doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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