i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
