I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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