we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize