that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
