you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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