Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
