I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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