Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
