I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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