i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
