The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
