Your mouth is God's brothel.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
