Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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