dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
