No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
