she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
