Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
