You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
