hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
