my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
