she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
