she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
