i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
