Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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