I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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