Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sorry about my life...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
