Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
FUCK WHALES
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
