I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
