This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's rum buckets o'clock
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
