I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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