Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
