Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
