I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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