toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We left an ass print on the piano.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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