i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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