I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
