I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
