It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
