just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
