if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
