HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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