I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
