Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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