My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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