I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
