I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
