So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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