chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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