Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize