i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
