he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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