In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
All I want is dick and wine.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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