just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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