Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
