So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
