My underwear smells like fireworks.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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