yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Christians are straight up FREAKS
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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