Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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